The Life & Times…

That’s how she put it.

I’d just like to start by saying Happy Birthday to my Grandma. She turned 94 today and we’re so happy to have her living here.

Now, on to the bad.

I slept for about an hour last night. Actually, it was this morning, at about 7:00-7:45 to be exact. She had me that scared. Really scared, honestly. The things she said, the things she did. I didn’t think she was going to make it, to be quite honest.

Our story is so long, I think it’s been 3 years. Over 2 years now since I first started having feelings for her. I couldn’t lose her, not this way. In fact, losing her at all, I don’t know what the hell would happen to me. Sadly, I cannot seem to convey just how important she is to me. How much she really means. I can’t explain the dread I was feeling all day today, even after I talked to a close family member who told me she was ok and safe.

I hope you are ok. I’m always here for you, always. I Love You, now and forever.

peas, for now.

welp, i’m up here in (has been) sunny ass michigan, been here since april 25th. i’m not really sure if i ever want to leave. i get more looks here, my uncle keeps me laughing my ass off, and i can just kick back and chill. i’m having a blast.

maybe it’s always been new mexico, just getting at me, eating away. i don’t know. i wouldn’t really be surprised. sure, i miss some people, namely jen, (greatest friend ever) desiree, david. but i’m not sure it’s enough. i made a promise to des and lori demanded (ha) last night that i come back, and i guess i will, but god knows for how long. and, a potential visit to the one may just affect all this. actually, i hope that is less interesting than i’m thinking it’s going to be, but it would be a great thing if it was.

on another note, let’s go lakers. gonna be a good set of battles but i can see the lakers winning this series in 5 if not less. 

and red wings, get your shit together.

peas.

just wanted to let you kids know, i am still alive.

now, back to thinking.

12 years, ~$72m, ’nuff said.

I hope you know it’s for you….

She makes me laugh. She makes me sad.
A thought of her makes me write poetry.
I ramble incoherently when I talk to her from nerves, unless I’ve had a few.

She’s so far away. She’s so close.
It feels like I’ve known her for years, even though it’s only been awhile.
She makes me want to climb a mountain and shout about her beauty.

There’s one or two, or maybe a lot more, songs that remind me of her.
Her smile makes me melt. It’s like a silent reassurance that everything can be alright.
Even better is the sound of her voice, even if it’s forever since I last heard it.

It’s too much to think about her. It’s too much not to think about her.
The same goes for talking to her.
She makes me laugh. She makes me sad.

peas

Man, I could honestly punch Java right in the face right now. I’m trying to write an applet to do some chat services, and this thing wants me to fucking sign the applet with VeriSign or some shit? I can’t even test the damn thing on my home network! WTF?!?

I could also throw a huge punch at the Tennessee Titans. Way to waste a great season. I like that the announcers kept saying we needed to kick that field goal to tie the game, then the Ravens and Referees promptly drove down the field to take the lead back. We shoulda fucking gone for it on 4th-1. What a buncha wusses. I knew it smelled like 2000 again.

On that note, fuck announcers, fuck the media. They know shit. Before the Lakers put the whuppin’ on the Celtics on Christmas Day, the Celtics were 27-2 and ‘had a great shot at 70, or even the 95-96 Bulls record of 72.’ Ok, media. Is that why this fantastic team has dropped 7 of 9, and now would have to go 41-3 to get 70, or 44-0 to beat the Bulls record? Idiots! Why don’t you wait ’til a team has, I don’t know, 69 wins and then start talking of 70. The Celtics suck, last year’s title was every bit of a fluke, and Paul Pierce is nowhere near the upper echelon of NBA talent. Great players do things people don’t think they should. Like Kobe taking the Lakers to the playoffs a few seasons ago when he had little talent besides himself. Pierce won all of 24 games when matched with the same challenge. And when he won before that he had Antoine Walker with him, who apparently drinks as well as he played basketball.

So yeah, right now, punch in your face, Java. And a big punch in your face Titans. The media actually was right about you guys.

Happy New Year, blogosphere. Hopefully 2009 treats me better than 2008 did.

peas.

got it again. but i couldn’t very well post another blog of the same title on my other page. so i will write one here.

essentially, things are the same. except you’d think i’d be able to sleep since i was drunk last night and my eyes are killing me right now. but no, sleep doesn’t come. i just sit and think, think and sit, toss, turn, think some more. i wish for five minutes my brain would stfu and let me have a little peace. ‘course it would help if she didn’t say the things she does. but then i wouldn’t be talking to her, and i would be sad about that. so it’s lose-lose. or else, lose-lose/but win a little/but mostly lose.

people always say it helps to get things off your chest. well, i’m writing about this for about the millionth time. and i’ve gotten things off my chest directly to her about 10 times now. i cannot understand it, no matter how hard i try. it plagues me.

this, and i keep dreaming about lisa. i mean, i miss her pretty badly still, and i doubt that will ever change, and really i don’t want it to, cause she makes me smile. but these dreams persist. i had one the other night where we were eating dinner together. it was great, until i woke up and realized i will never be able to do that again. never again will i go to my godfather’s house and see her smile, hear her laugh, listen to her talk, discuss sports with her. it’s all gone. it’s been gone since 2005, but i don’t think i will ever get the full grasp of it.

sometimes i think, maybe i need to get away. but i’ve gotten away. saw the red wings last month. gone to michigan twice this year, even rode the train there. but i can’t run far enough from my own thoughts, they’re always there.

i thought maybe things would get better when we stopped talking. but i’d still think, think of the possibilites, wish impossible things. she was a good friend, nice to hang out with, but i seriously do not have the strength anymore to be just friends with women that i really like. and i really like her. still. i haven’t even seen her in 3 months or so. longer than that i think. i wonder how long it would’ve been before i cracked. probably not very.

i guess i should give sleep the old college try again. i’m getting pretty tired of being restless. what an ironic statement.

Went to the party last night. I still feel drunk.

There was some chick there, I shoulda got her number. She’s pretty, and a Red Wings fan to boot!!! It’d be better if I didn’t realize these things so late.

Anyhow, the party itself was awesome. I’m kind of surprised. Everyone, pretty much, got dressed up. I felt like a goober, but damn if I didn’t look great ;). I had a good talk with Jay, talked baseball with Nik, bullshitted with Boo and Josh. Good fucking stuff.

So, my mood right now is content. I could be doing a lot worse. I’m nuts about Candy Cane again. It took her one conversation to do this. How wonderful :).

peas.

why does she have to live so far away?

why does she have to live so close, and think things are more complicated than they are?

i am happy about our talk last night, but it’s a sad reminder of things :(.

what a pair of wonderful women.